We don’t know the same girl…

Life is weird.  There are so many random connections…

When I turned forty, I decided I didn’t want to be old and boring.  I decided I would try forty new things.  The first new thing was going to a party at a local blogger’s house.  It was titled ComeUnity.  It was based on authenticity, which honestly I despise.  It’s such a buzzword.  So much showing off and sharing how authentic we can all be.  I live outside of Portland, so the struggle to be super authentic is REAL.  Anyways, I walked in alone and clutching some cheese to share.  The first person I see in “my friend.”

A little backstory. When I first moved to town. Actually before I first moved to town, I met D at my interview.  When I moved, she was my first friend.  She was hilarious and bold and we really fed off each other.  We had a great group of friends with no common theme beyond the job.  For many years, we were great friends.  I went to her wedding.  I was the first babysitter for both of her kids.  We did stamping parties and south park parties and all kinds of things.  Until I started noticing, she spent more time talking about how real friends act, instead of being a real friend.  I noticed how she bragged about keying a car when pregnant.  I noticed how she called one of her best friends fat behind her back at the office.  I noticed how she purposely excluded “friends” if they did something she didn’t agree with.  I noticed her manipulating situations to her advantage. I sometimes felt “crazy” because I seemed to be one of the few people who noticed these discrepancies.  The way she talked was not how she acted.  Everything seemed shallow and stylized.  But her words described sisterhood.  I finally brought this up to our little group and one friend agreed, so our group of four quickly became 3. The two of us actually had a falling out.  One other friend remained super close with D.

So, of course, the time came when D manipulated a situation.  Outcome, I completely ended the friendship with one friend and the other ended her friendship with me.

So seeing her at a ladies gathering based on authenticity was baffling and ridiculous! She was seriously the least “authentic” person I knew.  We had awkward small chat.  She was the only person who brought a friend along.  When she spoke, I learned her marriage had been awful and she lived a lie.  I cried when she cried. Closure, maybe? Apparently, her life focus is now living her life in a more authentic and happy way.  It sounds like she’s been miserable and hiding for about 16 years.  She wrote an essay which the blogger posted.  Do people change?

I also met an intuitive healer who asked why I thought she was back in my life, even if it was a chance meeting.

Fast forward a few months, the local blogger posts a link to a gofundme account. D has a brain tumor.  I am so sad about this.  She is not in my life.  But we had solid history.  She is a single mom to two great kids.  She has more “best friends” than any person I have ever met.

I donated.  I shared.  I read the morning updates one of her friends posts.  I am conflicted.

I relate so much being the same age with two kids the same age.  I was horrified to read last week in her own words “she won’t make it out of this alive”.

I am a bystander to this tragedy.  It is not my circus, not my monkeys.  I relinquished the right to be part of the sorrow when I ended our friendship.

But, I am still so sad, so conflicted.  I want to help.  I know she has so much support.  I guess when you love someone, you always do, whether it be a friend or a lover.  I am just so sad about a brilliant life being cut short.

It’s not about me.  I am not a part of it.  I look in from the outside and project my love and well wishes.  I hope she is wrong and some how, she will be defiant and overcome.

Resolutions

I hate making resolutions.  I don’t follow through and then it sucks.  So here are the things I want to work on this year.  I’ll try to take it one day at a time 🙂

-spend less time on the computer (doing a bang up job so far 😉 )

-eat healthier (no fast food,more fruits and veg)

-spend more QUALITY time with the kids

-be more active

-save money and stop using credit cards all together (Go Dave Ramsey)

-get sleep!

-drink water (I survive on coffee, so i am always on the verge of dehydration)

-clean small portions of the house daily so things don’t pile up

-more patience!

-more tolerance (I am socially liberal but have high standards for the people in  my life that they can not always live up to)

-put myself out there without expecting a return

I think that is enough.  Why is it so hard to stick to the things I know are good and healthy?

Hello!

I am new to blogging.  The purpose of this blog is to journal my own journey to relax and enjoy life.  I am married and have 2 small children.  I work outside the home full time.  I live in a suburb that really could be any suburb anywhere chock full of minivans.   I have recently gotten a “wake up call”.  One of my oldest friends has been diagnosed with metastasized brain cancer.   The prognosis is not good even though M is seeking treatment.  I have realized I spend too much time,energy and money on the wrong things.  I spend a lot of time on the computer.  We spend money that we don’t need to and are in debt.  Nothing more serious than the average American.   We pay all of our bills and have money left over but no REAL savings.  I am overweight but still shop in regular sizes.  I am low on energy and sleep all the time.  Any minute I am not working, I have to make the choice to get me time or play with the kids or clean the house.  Everything seems half-assed all the time.  I want to relax and enjoy my time.  I want to look back and see that I had the right priorities.  I am high strung, so it won’t be easy.  I am committed though.